WOLOART.com » ABOUT WOLO » "WOLO BY WOLO"


HOME » ABOUT WOLO » "WOLO BY WOLO" "Wolo by Wolo" By Wolo From 1 to 18 years frustration, confusion, hunger for love, I had no feeling of belonging to anyone, nor being loved by anyone nor belonging to any country, my parents divorced when I was 5, I was given custody of my mother, but my stepfather was jealous of me so at his command I was kept away from my mother and "home" until I was fully 19 years old. I was raised by servants, governesses, in boys schools, once farmed out for a year to a preacher, another time for two years to a teacher, I was allowed to come "home" for vacations but did not see my mother even then for my stepfather, an extremely gay blade, took mother away in his Bugatti chasing all over France and Italy, in all my youth I did see and was near my mother all together six months it was much. At twelve I was turned over to my father whom I did not remember at all, having been farmed out since I was 5, he proceeded to immediately get rid of me by putting me into a royal military school, at 12; to make a Prussian officer out of me. I spent five years in this "prison," loathed it with all my heart, insomuch so that up to 35 years of age I had recurring dreams of flying over Germany and bombing the hell out of it. My father behaved exactly like my mother, he dodged my few vacations. I met my foster grandmother that way, one of the few human beings who really gave me love (for which I have blessed her many times!), Came the First World War and of course a curtailment of all social activities, came the revolution and the downfall of my "class," the aristocracy. In consequence I never came to know my own "class," how to behave in it and using it's advantages. In the opposite, having been raised by servants and "outside my class" I had to hear almost continually about the evils of aristocracy until I had, by the time I was 12, become downright embarrassed about being an aristocrat. What's more, they, the "lower class," did not accept us either, no matter how democratic I voted and how "nice" I tried to be, I did not belong.! In consequence I felt left out in both camps! The same thing applied to my political status, I had been raised in Switzerland but all the boys knew that I was a "lousy German," they did not accept me, whereas, later on in Germany, the German boys did not consider me a German, for I spoke with a heavy Swiss accent and besides, I didn't act like a German, indeed I began to hate the whole cursed Prussian way of life, thinking and praying only for one thing, to be relieved of it. I did not want to become and officer and wanted to become and artist. Came the revolution and my wish was granted, temporarily, for as soon as I was officially taken over by my mother again, I was clamped into studying agriculture, again away from home, again into a school where I had to stay in, and could only get away during vacations, same damn thing as the military academy, only I didn't have to wear a cursed uniform and salute! What is more, Germany having been defeated (to my great joy) and being "guilty and to be chastised" I now found myself "under a cloud" with the Swiss boys in agricultural school. I had to walk very meekly indeed. I have had to walk meekly and apologetically practically through all my life, I had always been sort of a stranger, a "guest," terribly conscious even as a child of the fact that people, strange people had to "take care of me." Sometimes, I feel a crimson surge of hatred come over me, I am tempted to bellow into a foggy past, you bastards! Why did you have me in the first place? As I remember it, I was certainly one of the meekest, well, behaved eager to please little fellows I know, I'd do anything for a hug or a pat on the head, for a smidgen of affection! I adored my mother like a saint, a most frustrating kind of love, a pathetic hope that some day she would have time for me, she'd be mine! it never happened. As for my father, how could I form an attachment for him, I did not love nor hate him, he meant nothing at all. To Sum Up My Youth The good things: I developed a much wider horizon than any of my companions, became conscious of things around me at an incredible early stage, "saw through things," the falseness of convention, the phony combination of patriotism and business, behind the lines, how God is being used for all kinds of interests, etc. I learned patience, I developed a good sturdy body, I learned especially one good thing in the German army, orderliness, thoroughness, and a tremendous variety of things, from military sciences to business college ( one year ) to agricultural college (two years ) to working on a real Swiss peasants farm (one year), to languages, to diplomatic skills. (My step father was vice ambassador to Switzerland and, secretly, chief of espionage and counter, intelligence!) Yes, I learned much, especially about putting two and two together. The bad things: This sort of upbringing was bound to raise hell with my emotional life. I became as insecure as an alley dog. Scared of everybody, yet hungry for affection. Rushing up to get patted, and at the last moment, turn tail and run whimpering away around the next corner. Of the other sex, I knew absolutely nothing. If I adored a girl she never knew it, I just dreamed about her. Sex was a thing of terror and mystery to me, I had been indoctrinated by the preacher, the teacher and an old maiden aunt. Sex meant the wrath of God, it meant Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Insanity and suicide to me, the latter as a matter of honor in case I should get a girl pregnant. Of money, I knew absolutely nothing either, I was forbidden to have any (in military school) until I was 17 years old. (The reason: to keep us from running away!) At 18, I received $2.50 pocket money per month from my stepfather, with the immediate command to account for every penny and what's more, from now on, take care of all small personal matters myself. This meant that I was not allowed to spend the money for "candy and shows" but only for utilities, car fares, shoe repairs, haircuts, etc. The consequence: I hated the very idea of money, it was one lousy bother. Naturally I got all mixed up in my "accounts" and had to go through hours of anxiety to explain what I had done with the damn money! In a nutshell, I entered life just about scared of everything, and unsure in my relations with my fellow man, trained to live under orders in institutions, waiting for somebody else to tell me what to do, having no mind of my own, indeed feeling guilty of having my own thoughts about any major issue. The loud shouts were still ringing in my ears, "You do as you Are told!" "Why didn't you ask me if you could do this or that?" And loudest of all, the Prussian thunder, "Cadet von Trutzschler, how many times do we have to tell you: A soldier does not think, a soldier OBEYS!" There are indeed times when I think that my parents should roast in hell, just a few hours anyway. However, life is miserable enough, why wish more misery, why create more. I have forgiven them. Besides that, both of them are suffering plenty now in their old age. Plenty. The only pitiful thing is that neither one realizes what they have done to us, their children. (For this applies to my sisters too!) They, who pushed us out of their very comfortable nest, money abounded in both camps! Now in their old age, they expect all the loving care of the proverbial dear old mother and dad. The only one who apologized was my stepfather! May God bless his soul! I sincerely loved him for it, all bitterness evaporated completely! Wolo

HOME » ABOUT WOLO » "WOLO BY WOLO"

"Wolo by Wolo"
By Wolo
From 1 to 18 years frustration, confusion, hunger for love, I had no feeling of belonging to anyone, nor being loved by anyone nor belonging to any country, my parents divorced when I was 5, I was given custody of my mother, but my stepfather was jealous of me so at his command I was kept away from my mother and "home" until I was fully 19 years old.
I was raised by servants, governesses, in boys schools, once farmed out for a year to a preacher, another time for two years to a teacher, I was allowed to come "home" for vacations but did not see my mother even then for my stepfather, an extremely gay blade, took mother away in his Bugatti chasing all over France and Italy, in all my youth I did see and was near my mother all together six months it was much.
At twelve I was turned over to my father whom I did not remember at all, having been farmed out since I was 5, he proceeded to immediately get rid of me by putting me into a royal military school, at 12; to make a Prussian officer out of me. I spent five years in this "prison," loathed it with all my heart, insomuch so that up to 35 years of age I had recurring dreams of flying over Germany and bombing the hell out of it.
My father behaved exactly like my mother, he dodged my few vacations. I met my foster grandmother that way, one of the few human beings who really gave me love (for which I have blessed her many times!),
Came the First World War and of course a curtailment of all social activities, came the revolution and the downfall of my "class," the aristocracy. In consequence I never came to know my own "class," how to behave in it and using it's advantages. In the opposite, having been raised by servants and "outside my class" I had to hear almost continually about the evils of aristocracy until I had, by the time I was 12, become downright embarrassed about being an aristocrat. What's more, they, the "lower class," did not accept us either, no matter how democratic I voted and how "nice" I tried to be, I did not belong.! In consequence I felt left out in both camps! The same thing applied to my political status, I had been raised in Switzerland but all the boys knew that I was a "lousy German," they did not accept me, whereas, later on in Germany, the German boys did not consider me a German, for I spoke with a heavy Swiss accent and besides, I didn't act like a German, indeed I began to hate the whole cursed Prussian way of life, thinking and praying only for one thing, to be relieved of it. I did not want to become and officer and wanted to become and artist. Came the revolution and my wish was granted, temporarily, for as soon as I was officially taken over by my mother again, I was clamped into studying agriculture, again away from home, again into a school where I had to stay in, and could only get away during vacations, same damn thing as the military academy, only I didn't have to wear a cursed uniform and salute! What is more, Germany having been defeated (to my great joy) and being "guilty and to be chastised" I now found myself "under a cloud" with the Swiss boys in agricultural school.
I had to walk very meekly indeed. I have had to walk meekly and apologetically practically through all my life, I had always been sort of a stranger, a "guest," terribly conscious even as a child of the fact that people, strange people had to "take care of me." Sometimes, I feel a crimson surge of hatred come over me, I am tempted to bellow into a foggy past, you bastards! Why did you have me in the first place? As I remember it, I was certainly one of the meekest, well, behaved eager to please little fellows I know, I'd do anything for a hug or a pat on the head, for a smidgen of affection! I adored my mother like a saint, a most frustrating kind of love, a pathetic hope that some day she would have time for me, she'd be mine! it never happened. As for my father, how could I form an attachment for him, I did not love nor hate him, he meant nothing at all.
To Sum Up My Youth
The good things: I developed a much wider horizon than any of my companions, became conscious of things around me at an incredible early stage, "saw through things," the falseness of convention, the phony combination of patriotism and business, behind the lines, how God is being used for all kinds of interests, etc. I learned patience, I developed a good sturdy body, I learned especially one good thing in the German army, orderliness, thoroughness, and a tremendous variety of things, from military sciences to business college ( one year ) to agricultural college (two years ) to working on a real Swiss peasants farm (one year), to languages, to diplomatic skills. (My step father was vice ambassador to Switzerland and, secretly, chief of espionage and counter, intelligence!) Yes, I learned much, especially about putting two and two together.
The bad things: This sort of upbringing was bound to raise hell with my emotional life. I became as insecure as an alley dog. Scared of everybody, yet hungry for affection. Rushing up to get patted, and at the last moment, turn tail and run whimpering away around the next corner. Of the other sex, I knew absolutely nothing. If I adored a girl she never knew it, I just dreamed about her. Sex was a thing of terror and mystery to me, I had been indoctrinated by the preacher, the teacher and an old maiden aunt. Sex meant the wrath of God, it meant Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Insanity and suicide to me, the latter as a matter of honor in case I should get a girl pregnant.
Of money, I knew absolutely nothing either, I was forbidden to have any (in military school) until I was 17 years old. (The reason: to keep us from running away!) At 18, I received $2.50 pocket money per month from my stepfather, with the immediate command to account for every penny and what's more, from now on, take care of all small personal matters myself. This meant that I was not allowed to spend the money for "candy and shows" but only for utilities, car fares, shoe repairs, haircuts, etc. The consequence: I hated the very idea of money, it was one lousy bother. Naturally I got all mixed up in my "accounts" and had to go through hours of anxiety to explain what I had done with the damn money! In a nutshell, I entered life just about scared of everything, and unsure in my relations with my fellow man, trained to live under orders in institutions, waiting for somebody else to tell me what to do, having no mind of my own, indeed feeling guilty of having my own thoughts about any major issue. The loud shouts were still ringing in my ears, "You do as you Are told!" "Why didn't you ask me if you could do this or that?" And loudest of all, the Prussian thunder, "Cadet von Trutzschler, how many times do we have to tell you: A soldier does not think, a soldier OBEYS!"
There are indeed times when I think that my parents should roast in hell, just a few hours anyway. However, life is miserable enough, why wish more misery, why create more. I have forgiven them. Besides that, both of them are suffering plenty now in their old age. Plenty. The only pitiful thing is that neither one realizes what they have done to us, their children. (For this applies to my sisters too!) They, who pushed us out of their very comfortable nest, money abounded in both camps! Now in their old age, they expect all the loving care of the proverbial dear old mother and dad.
The only one who apologized was my stepfather! May God bless his soul! I sincerely loved him for it, all bitterness evaporated completely!
Wolo